9 Ways To Look 60 When You’re 30

With all these “100 Things” and basic How-To live your life articles floating around the internet, I figured I’d put one of my own out there.

1. Go tanning.

Tan on the roof, on the beach, on the patio at lunch, everywhere, at all costs. Say NO to sunscreen and hats, and YES to bronzing beachside. Get some wrinkles on that skin. Oil up.

2. Eat a shit ton of food. And don’t stop.

Pizza, cheesecake, and coffee galore (not a food, shut up I don’t care) is the way to go. You know you love food, and food loves you too. While there may be some slight disagreements along the way, you and food go way back. Why would you turn away a friend that has helped you survive life thusfar? Maybe you shouldn’t have pizza every single day of your life. Maybe. But didn’t “they” decide pizza was a vegetable earlier this year? Pizza earned your trust and deserves it. Ain’t nobody got time for some list to come in and soil the beautiful relationship between me and my pizza.

3. Have lots and lots of sex.

Good sex, bad sex, drunk sex, sober sex. You can have it all. While responsibility and stupidity should always be taken into consideration, the moral of the story is that sex is good for you. It teaches you self awareness and confidence. Ignore what people tell you about “your number” and enjoy your prime. Indulge while you can.

4. Spend money.

Get used to it. And good at it. This is basically unavoidable whether you want to look 60 at 30, 90 at 60, 20 at 30, etc etc etc.

5. Watch television.

Different kinds of television. Strain your eyes. Self-heat the couch. Subscribe to Netflix. Seriously, why television gets a bad rep is beyond me. There is so much intelligent and crazy television available to the world right now, from HBO to SHO, AMC and back again, and to lump all reality TV or “trash TV” into one unintelligible category is ignorant and assuming. Television has become more immersive than ever before and deserves some props.

6. Make friends. And enemies. And try not to judge them.

Hopefully they’ll try not to judge you too.

7. Make excuses.

And get good at that, too.

8. Never assume ANYTHING is an end-all-be-all.

Nothing is as one-dimensional as a list. An extreme advocate of lists myself, I hate to admit it, but it’s often a use of sweeping generalization, and shouldn’t be taken completely at face value. However, when the list is a horror story of subjective and offensive “rules for life” slathered in sexism and assumption, it deserves to be called out.

9. Stop reading articles on the Internet for life advice.

Nobody should be living according to a set of ridiculous guidelines that were written to gain web traffic. Hypocritical, sure, but I’m not writing to put you down. I like my snooze button, and I’m not going to stop using it because it’s on a list of things “every twenty-something” should realize.

Sure, not everything on these lists is total bullshit. “Drink lots of water” is great advice.  But when it’s preceded by a statement like “It is morally wrong to be obese,” it’s hard not to call bullshit and get offended. You don’t need to live in New York, time is not an illusion, you don’t need to want what you can’t have, and you don’t need to listen to infuriating bullshit like “If you sleep around with a lot of people, then you are a whore.” Statements like “They stopped making good music in the 90s” come from a closed mind, a mind that will never know true comfort or satisfaction. Living by a set of preconceived notions like “being smarter does make you the better person” and “you don’t have ADD” isn’t living at all.

Every twenty-something should realize they have their own way of living life, and if you can wake up, get ready, and get to where you’ve got to be with a snooze button, there’s not a pretentious list on the planet that can tell you to do otherwise. Facebook, oily pizza, casual sex, blasting headphones, maxed out credit cards, giant tattoos, hashtags, love bites, drugs, bullshit, cell phones, depression, euphoria, family, friends, fake I love you’s, oral sex, free cake, mistakes, dirty sex, yoga, violence, high expectations, crap food, and cheap liquor are where experience is born and life is lived. Fuck the rest.

19 Ways To Handle a Bad Day

After a day of first-world torture and #problems, it can be hard to stay a sane, normal person. Here are 20 different ways to handle a bad day. They are most definitely not all recommended. Side effects are likely. We’ll begin with a classic.

1. Drinking! See also: Girls Night Out.

2. Willingly accept rebellion into your life. Take a walk on the wild side.

3. Read a book. Or a magazine. Or an article online. For gods sake, read SOMETHING!

4. Angry-break things. Tear shit up. Throw down. Hitting things feels good, and admitting that is the first step of the road to recovery.

5. Florence.

6. Dance it out.

7. Bitch about it. And not in a classy way. In a way that not even yourself respects. Without justification, without reason, without having to answer to anyone. Sometimes you need a few moments where your words have no one to answer to except the universe.

8. Music therapy. Life’s a song, and sometimes it sucks dick.

9. Rise above. You are better than this bad day. Flip your hair, strut your stuff, and make tomorrow a real, real good day.

10. Just lose it. (Also: shaking your face like this feels way better than you’d expect it to.)

11. Watch cat videos. Or cat GIFs. Or Anna Kendrick GIFs. Or ideally, Anna Kendrick cat GIFs.

12. Eat your feelings. ALL of the feelings.

13. Smile and nod. Smile. And. Nod.

14. JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES, BREATHE, AND THINK OF FIGHT CLUB.

15. Exercise. It’s gooood for you.

16. Full-screen the GIF below. Maybe make it your background. Laptop, phone, everything. I suggest adding a sound loop, but that’s just me.

17. JGL.

18. Do something about it. If every day is a bad day, something’s off.

19. Admit the truth and accept it as a part of you.

Definitely go with Kat Dennings on this one. On most ones, actually.

Follow me on Twitter @sydney_neilson.

7 Lessons From The Great Gatsby That You Missed In High School Because You Were Too Busy Hating High School/English

This post is both spoiler- and gluten-free.

1. “It’s a great advantage not to drink among hard-drinking people.”

“You can hold your tongue, and, moreover, you can time any little irregularity of your own so that everybody else is so blind that they don’t see or care.” –The Great Gatsby, page 77.

ADVICE FOR THE AGES. Seriously. It can be just as entertaining, and less messy.

2. It teaches you something about language.

The book isn’t super focused on character development. You don’t really get a straight-up backstory from Fitzgerald, he winds a tale of sobering language and fantastical word choice that speaks differently. The language isn’t difficult, but it’s woven together in a timeless, sophisticated manner than just flows. You can really sense the textures and feelings he writes:

“She was only extemporizing, but a stirring warmth flowed from her, as if her heart were trying to come out to you concealed in one of those breathless, thrilling words. ”

“Her face, above a spotted dress of dark blue crepe-de-chine, contained no facet or gleam of beauty, but there was an immediately perceptible vitality about her as if the nerves of her body were continually smouldering.”

“In his blue gardens men and girls came and went like moths among the whisperings and the champagne and the stars […] already the halls and salons and verandas are gaudy with primary colours, and hair shorn in strange new ways, and shawls beyond the dreams of Castile. The bar is in full swing, and floating rounds of cocktails permeate the garden outside, until the air is alive with chatter and laughter, and casual innuendo and introductions forgotten on the spot, and enthusiastic meetings between women who never knew each other’s names.”

His words had life and verve, and he was very familiar with Lesson #3.

3. The Twenties were sexy.

Everyone is cheating on each other from the very beginning, and whether that’s due to their prohibition-driven lifestyle, or their boozy parties, the foundation of much of their passion comes from taboo illegalities and forbidden badassery. Without all the adultery and cheating that goes on in the novel, there would be little to no plot. Not too shabby for the old days. It’s almost a hundred years old and still reads like new. Hence, these timeless lessons!

4. And jazz was badass.

In the twenties, jazz was an unadulterated, unfiltered, unmoderated, almost underground lifestyle, and the powerful music embodied exactly that. Baz Luhrmann’s new take on the film opts for a hip-hop core to the soundtrack, produced by none other than Jay-Z. Considering hip-hop started out the same way jazz did, it’s pretty damn fitting.

Get a FULL first listen to the soundtrack HERE on NPR Radio! 

5. “Reserving judgements is a matter of infinite hope.”

Basically: we would love to be judgement-free as a people, but it’s a pretty damn unattainable ideal. While that doesn’t slow our love for self-improvement and attempt at impartiality, Fitzgerald knew this in 1925, and it’s gone down as one of the more famous lines from the novel.

6. Characters do not have to be likeable for the work to be great.

One of the major reasons I hated this book in high school was because the characters just seemed ridiculous. This Daisy girl really doesn’t seem all that special, and everyone just seemed to be in this weird unreality that I didn’t get. On the surface, it’s a book of first world problems and the dissolution of the American Dream, but gaaaaah it’s so much more than that.

In this fabulous summary by John Green, he lays it out perfectly: “You’re not supposed to like Daisy Buchanan, at least not in the uncomplicated way that you like, say, cupcakes. […] She doesn’t have to be likeable to be interesting.” WITHOUT ACCEPTING THIS, YOU ARE READING WITH YOUR EYES CLOSED. YOU ARE A DEAF MAN AT A CONCERT. I want to shout it from the rooftops: ignorance is NOT bliss.

The full video is below, and is one of the best, easiest tools to simultaneously enjoy, understand, and respect this novel properly. Watch the intro if you’ve never read the book, but the rest of the video assumes you’ve read the book. So if you haven’t, get on it. Seriously, the book is less than 200 pages, and not a hard read. Just do it.

7. “You can’t repeat the past.” -Nick Carraway

The 9 Most Entertaining Celebrities to Interview

1) Justin Timberlake.

I will watch any Timberlake interview ever. But 5 tequila shots in 10 minutes, coarse language, and destruction of an indoor mini golf course with the incredible British TV host Jonathan Ross is almost too much greatness for one segment. Plus, watching these two get drunk together is adorable. You can practically taste the tequila.

#LEGENDSOFSUMMER2013

2) Matt Damon.

My gift to you: a compilation of his impersonations of Matthew McConaughey all in one place below.

3) Kristin Chenoweth.

Kristin Chenoweth is absolutely bad-shit off her rocker. Seriously. Something must have happened to give such a tiny girl such a massive voice that affected her brain chemistry, because she is seriously insane. Next to that insanity, however, she’s absolutely precious, totally genuine, and seriously hysterical. Her size alone makes you want to keep her in your pocket, but listening to her spiel on fast-food chains with Conan is just great. She loses her mic, hikes up her dress, and Conan is surprisingly entertaining as well (coming from the Queen of the Conan-haters).

“If we had a child, it would be normal-sized.”

And backstage in her dressing room before Ellen’s cameo in Promises, Promises, Chenoweth gets even weirder than usual. Just… Ellen’s face.

4) Michael Caine.

Michael Caine does Michael Caine. Self-explanatory. Awesomeness assumed.

5) Mila Kunis.

I love Mila Kunis. She’s totally honest and candid, the staples of a loveable celebrity interviewee. This interview (if you haven’t seen it already), “the best interview I’ve had today,” according to Kunis, was on BBC Radio 1, with the adorably awkward and digressive Chris Stark. She can pour a pint without foam, she knows what she’s doing, and she’s just a boss. The interview is basically just a conversation between Stark and Kunis, but listening to them banter is  “We have to talk about the movie? Let me just give you answers to what I know you’re gonna ask.”

6) Anna Kendrick.

Anna Kendrick is insanely talented (demonstrated in her limited-but-still-adorable dancing in Pitch Perfect, her singing talents, and she’s been a rising starlet in the acting game since she broke away from Twilight with 2009’s George Clooney vehicle Up in the Air. She’s been nominated for an Oscar, a Tony,  Her pint-sized stature paired with explosive personality makes her a favourite of mine, and you’ll start to notice her soon too. Her upcoming film Get a Job stars Bryan Cranston and McLovin, as well as Community belle Allison Brie.

On recording the rap for Pitch Perfect in-studio: “I had to put myself in this zone, where I was standing like a guy, and like, I was imagining that I had a penis, in a hot tub surrounded by like, bitches…”

On her dirty-love of Taco Bell: “It’s like a reverse-Gremlins thing, it’s like, just so filthy, that I can’t do it without the cover of darkness…”

7) Eminem.

He’s the perfect balance of scary and sexy. He’s funny as hell when he wants to be, and he’s a super entertaining guy, but he’s so secluded and sobering that it’s refreshing to remember that he’s hilarious as well. Jonathan Ross talks comic books, nailing Sarah Palin, Em’s singing, and “dissing” people in (his new single at the time) “We Made You.” “It’s kind of like picking names out of a hat, and if your name rhymes with something good…” Plus, every interview with Jonathan Ross is fantastic. He’s flawless.

8) Dustin Hoffman

Life is just better after watching this video. I dare you not to smile.

9) Jennifer Lawrence.

I honestly don’t know if there are many Jennifer Lawrence videos I haven’t seen. From her pre-Hunger Games press tours to the Oscar/Silver Linings buzz, her interviews have been constant, as well as consistently entertaining. Discussing everything from powerful dragon phlegm to anal leakage, the Internet’s favourite Oscar winner corrected and shot down Letterman at every opportunity in one of JLaw’s funniest interviews. It practically defines why everyone loves her so much: she’s candid, she makes mistakes (Obama!), and she’s got balls. AND it explains “I beat Meryl,” for those of you that haven’t seen TFWC.

Bonus: this video will never not be the best.

I can’t imagine this situation being any more entertaining and incredible. Humanity at its best.

Bonus: Kevin Spacey’s Inside the Actors Studio impersonations.

Beeautiful. His Al Pacino is spot-on, and I’m just a sucker for a good Christopher Walken impression.

10 Modern Commandments

1. Thou shalt not have sex with unconscious people. Even if they were really, really into you before they passed out.

2. Thou shalt say nothing behind a back that would not be said to the face.

3. Thou shalt not hate thy job for more than a few months. Be happy. If you really, really hate your job, balls up and quit. Quitting a job doesn’t have to be a giant scene or the end of the world. Not all work is for everyone. Do yourself (and all the people you complain to) a favour and find something you enjoy.

4. Thou shalt not lie when answering “How do I look?” That shit is sacred. If someone is genuinely asking you, don’t bullshit. Constructive criticism: no need to be a bitch (…unless need be).

5. Thou shalt not be a digital idiot. It is 2013. Keeping your personal pages employee-friendly, and remembering that every photo, video, and word recorded online can stay in the system forever, is important. It is also important that you outgrow unnecessary habits that may have formed in high school due to the explosion and timing of Facebook: chronicling your relationships, TMI-ing your relationships, relying on your relationship status for any kind of confirmation of anything, and not-at-all-subtle whiny song lyrics directed at people.

6. Thou shalt not answer a question with a question. It’ll be easier for people to respect you when you sound like you believe yourself. Be confident. Be sure, like Ryan Gosling.

7. Thou shalt know thy drinking limits. If thou shalt blow chunks, thou shalt apologize profusely upon sobriety, and owe thy caretaker big-time. Drinking doesn’t always have to end in smudgy mascara tears on the toilet bowl and a tangled half-ponytail knotted in a pukey frenzy. Experiment with different wine and beer and learn how to order at a bar. Drink well.

8. Thou shalt recognize that nobody, anywhere owes you anything. You are not entitled to anything from anyone else. You are not owed a job, money, or goodwill. You are not entitled to these things because of your gender, your race, or where you’re from. Life is hard. You will have to work. You don’t deserve more than anyone else because of anything except hard work.

9. Thou shalt stop interrupting. You are not a child, you can be patient. Self-control, baby.

10. Thou shalt not take one’s youth for granted. Go out and do what you want. Seriously. Whether you feel like it all the time or not, being young means being resillient. Your heart will crack and break and get Magic-Bullet-ed back together, and your friends will change and move and revolve and you will learn to love the ones that stay like family. You can bounce back; and you will be more broke than you ever thought, and you’ll save and splurge and figure out what works for you. The world is your oyster, your playground, your dance floor, your blank canvas, whatever you want to call it, it’s yours. So smile, cry, go outside, date interesting people that will open your mind, read something that will change your life, and don’t let your health and vigilance go to waste. Do something!

10 People You Become as a Post-Secondary Student In March and April

1. The Productive, Get-Shit-Done-r.

This usually lasts for short, sporadic periods of time in between other 9 people on this list. Enjoy it while it lasts. Bask in it, and remember how good it feels to be productive.

2. The Summer Fanatic.

Festival lineups, summer tour announcements, the changing weather, spring can bring a lot of distractions, and the Summer Fanatic lives for this. You thrive upon new announcements, and while most lineups are out, schedules and ticket sales are still in full swing. Social media for the next three months will serve one major purpose, and that is anticipation. You’re following all the festival info pages, checking out contests and basically living in a shell of procrastination until flip-flops become seasonally acceptable once again.

3. The Napper.

Just sleep, it’ll actually be spring eventually.

4. The Jumped-The-Gun-On-Shorts Guy.

It’s still too cold for shorts. It is still a one-digit temperature. You still need a jacket. You still need pants. Granted, sometimes you get caught out for the day in an outfit that you planned based on the weather (these days, you have no idea what to expect), which usually never ends well in these transitory seasons. But usually, if it’s still March, and it’s still under ten degrees, IT IS STILL TOO EARLY FOR SHORTS. Honestly, it’s just upsetting. I can’t wear shorts, so why can you? It’s too cold. Stop it.

5. The March Break Complex Guy.

Whether your school gives you a March break, Spring break, reading week, whatever, it’ll probably fall at a different time than others (surrounding colleges and universities, high schools, etc). Yes, it’s going to be annoying, seeing warm, sandy, beach spam all over your Instagram. Yes, it’s really upsetting that everyone on your Facebook is out for a week, spending their parents’ money and taking family-funded vacations while you’re rolling in debt and midterms/finals/assignments, but you do get out before May, and the high school kids, at least, have got two more months to go. Plus, remember how EARLY you used to get up, like, every day? It still blows my mind that high-school-me had that initiative.

6. Depressed.

You will never get all this shit done. Why even bother? You hated half your classes this semester anyway, why are you even in school to begin with? The government is overcharging you. Your bank is overcharging you. Corruption runs our country. Fuck school. School is for fools. Edison didn’t go to school, right? And he’s fine. He’s allllll good. I’ll just invent something. Like a lightbulb, or ketchup packets.

7. The Admittedly Unproductive/Procrastinater Guy.

You know you’re not getting anything reeeeally accomplished today, but it’s cool. You’ll get there. These things take time. And other things. Like Internet, and cleaning. And basically anything.

8. The Cheerleader.

You’re almost there! Remember why you came to school in the first place? Yeah, there you go, positivity! You’re not wasting your money, you know it’s something you gotta do, and you’re almost at a finish line! Granted, one of many finish lines, most of which are paired with a punch to the gut that takes your wallet and your schedule and tears shit up with each, but you’ve got this, girl/bro/man/friend.

9. An actual student that has to actually write exams and words and functions.

Eventually, actual exam time will come.

10. Drunk.

Go ahead, use any money you’ve managed to accumulate this semester for a celebratory liquor feast. You did it. You made it one more year. Take advantage of your time off, whether it’s a few days before summer school, a few months before the fall semester, or whether you’re heading in another direction, take a moment and bask in where you’re at.

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10 Most Inconvenient Pedestrians When Rollerblading Downtown

1. The Inquisitive Guy.

There’s one on EVERY street corner. I’m starting to develop a repulsion with eye contact. Eye contact means conversation, with these ones. For whatever reason, they do not read my impatient wheel-rolling in place and staring daggers at the crosswalk countdown as a “DO NOT TALK” sign. They do not see the giant set of proper headphones that encase my ears and entrap my wind-tangled hair. They do not sense my aura of rushed impatience and lack of time. They want to talk. About rollerblading and the weather and the traffic and current events and honestly, I am all for being social and engaging but there is a time and place and it is not while I am wearing wheels on my feet.

2. My roommates, and basically anyone I actually know.

I can’t stop particularly well, especially while I’m moving quickly, so when I encounter people I DO actually want to talk to, I usually whiz by before a) I can catch who they are, or b) words can be exchanged in any way. Plus, my music is loud enough to drown out people, but not cars, so I rarely talk on the way. (Have you ever rollerbladed to like, really, really good rollerblading music? It’s powerful shit.)

3. The wide-eyed foreigner that says nothing.

4. Pick-Up Line Guy

Oh man, it’s not even entertaining anymore. I am on wheels. I am wearing headphones. I usually am going somewhere, and I am often late. I am very sorry that you caught me at this inconvenient time, but opening with “Hey baby, roll on over here,” or “Check out the wheels on those heels” isn’t really improving your chances. Stop being creepy

5. The expansive wall of friends that feel compelled to walk in a line and take up the majority of the sidewalk.

6. The troupe of small children.

They’re almost too cute to be annoying, but if I catch the midday field trip rush, it’s not the easiest of paths to travel. It’s also incredibly distracting, if you live in a mind like mine, where “BABIES!” pretty much erases any other functional thought.

7. The really, really cute old lady that commends you on your initiative.

Exceedingly different from The Inquisitive Guy, The Really Cute Old Lady is just too cute to complain about. Although, she does eat up a few seconds of forced conversation through my headphones that I really didn’t want to have to wait for.

8. The wasted guy/girl/group.

Okay, there are certain streets I don’t take on Friday and Saturday nights. And when these people find their way onto the main roads, there’s not much I can do. The packs grow as the night goes on, people get really impressed, really easily (apparently a pair of roller blades makes you the centre of the drunk-people universe), and they pretty much stop moving.

9. The guy that moves out of the way, the wrong way.

I am not just being picky. If you’re going to move out of the way of a rollerblader, PLEASE, look where you’re walking, and don’t leave the cobblestoned, cracked side of the pavement for the girl on wheels. I can manage weaving through people alright, but when people unpredictably jump in and/or out of the way, it doesn’t end well. For an accurate depiction of the sidewalks of Queen Street West, please see the GIF below.

10. Everyone.

Rollerblading downtown is really stressful. It’s like Mortal Kombat mixed with Mario Kart, but the bombs are cars and the chance boxes are traffic lights and the coins are potholes and the rainbow road is actually all gravel even though it looks alright at first, and the mushrooms are hobos and the other cars are everywhere and it doesn’t really help that I don’t know how to stop.

7 Games to Play While People-Watching

1. Everyone with headphones in is listening to One Direction. 

That guy with the dreads walking with a limp? Yup. The Jon Hamm lookalike you pass by on the way to work? Yup. The bitter bus driver with a stick up her ass? Yup. Seriously entertaining.

2. Celebrity Match-Up

From the son of Geddy Lee and Paris Hilton I saw at the grocery store, to the hybrid daughter of Daniel Radcliffe and Julia Roberts that lives on my block, I love calling people out on who they kind-of-sort-of-might look like, especially when you find the really, really accurate ones. It doesn’t have to be offensive, it doesn’t even have to be based on looks or clothes or anything that makes sense, it’s your game. The other day, someone told me I reminded them of a Lena Dunham-Jennifer Lawrence hybrid. I don’t know how well I handled it.

 

3. Animal sounds.

Pretty much just a game of subtle offensive comments, this works best in a loud area where you can be… not heard. Make the sounds of the animals that would represent the passersby. Most accurate wins. Extra points for realizing most animals make a similar eoiuertyoiwuehakjbvausd sound.

4. Narrate conversations you’re not close enough to hear.

Bonus points for narrating a couple’s breakup.

5. Wave at babies. 

This may not be a game, but seriously, when the baby waves back and you remember how flusteringly adorable tiny people are, and you turn into a pile of smushy baby talk that pretty much consists of opening your mouth and saying “Hiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!” in varying volumes and levels of obnoxious glee… you’ll just feel better.

It’s like petting someone’s dog on the street corner. It just makes you happier. But definitely go with waving. Don’t touch people’s babies. They don’t like that.

  

6. Listen. 

Play I Spy, but with sounds. Just take in the soundscape around you. You know catching bits of conversations out of context is funny, so try hearing more. You might catch something interesting.

Hearing actual breakups is even more fun that making them up.

7. Reverse shit-talk the world.

It’s really easy to sit on the patio and and rip on everyone that walks by, calling them names and making animal sounds. But it’s actually easier, and way more pleasant by the end, to discuss the positives of people. Her shoes, his jacket, the way they walk together. It’s easy to get caught up in your opinion of things, but seeing the diversity of humanity is awesome, and people-watching is where it’s at.

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Sluts R Us: Why ‘Your Number’ Doesn’t Matter

When I heard about the whole Steubenville trial, I was blown away. It’s already a touchy subject, teenagers and drinking and rape. But when you throw in that people tweeted threats at the victim, texted details and pictures, and the rapists actually took photo and video of the victim and posted them online? I don’t know what I was most upset about: these teenagers for giving young people a bad name, the fact that all of this happened while nobody helped, or the rapists themselves.

Just watch the first minute or so if you’re not familiar with the story.

I would have thought it was difficult to make a situation like this worse, but apparently not. It’s one thing to rape, but to genuinely throw away someone’s pain like this, to brag on the internet and show off your malevolence and complete disregard for the simple humanity of another soul… I just can’t understand. I can’t understand why these people had no regard for moral etiquette or tact (partygoers engaged in the online discussion and social media spread, rather than reporting or stopping the situation). I can’t understand why the photos were on Instagram. I can’t understand why the coach (who was fully aware of the situation) did nothing to punish the boys, and actually blamed the girl, saying “The rape was just an excuse, I think. What else are you going to tell your parents drunk like that and after a night like that?”

While the world has people like that, it also has people like me. And people like you. And people like your friends, and your family, and their families, and the random people you walk by on the street. These people should be believed, trusted, respected, and treated with humanity. You don’t even have to be a good person to treat people like people.

Immanuel Kant’s greatest philosophical legacy comes from his idea that people cannot treat others as solely a means to their own end. In other words, if you’re using people like they’re tools, and tossing them aside… no good. If your sex life is basically masturbation with another person… no good. If you recently assaulted a sixteen year old with your friend and posted it online because you’re seriously that ignorant of a person… no good. It’s mind-blowingly inhumane, and just not okay.

Why can’t a woman walk into a bar with the sole goal of going home with a man? Well, we can, but it’s much less socially acceptable. Men do it every day. They can freely bar crawl to their heart’s content, getting shot down and trying again until they reel in a winner, but we can’t?

Have sex, ladies. If you want to. Sexual freedom isn’t limited to the Barney Stinsons of the world; take the world by the bedsheets and live. Hiding from sex and muting discussion don’t help anything. Rape becomes a problem when we don’t talk about it, and when we keep it taboo. Talking things out makes life easier, puts everyone on the same page. Why wouldn’t you want life to be easier?

So have some sex. Have as much sex as you want. If you’re using protection and not being stupid, there’s no reason to limit yourself because of:

a) how many people your friends have slept with
b) how many people you’ve slept with
c) how many people you think you should sleep with because you saw that Anna Faris movie and it made you judge yourself and everyone else and Chris Evans is just so delicious, if you met fifty different versions of him, you’d probably want to have sex with most of them, and there shouldn’t be shame in admitting that, right? Mmmm, Chris Evans.

 
(What’s Your Number, 2011. Good for a bad movie, FYI. Half-decent chick flick.)

Have sex when you want to, and don’t have sex when you don’t. You’ve got hormones, use ’em! Being a slut may not be for everyone, just like kiwi aren’t for everyone, and tequila isn’t for everyone. But keeping track of numbers isn’t important, and nobody should be judged on “their number.” Calling other girls sluts won’t change your number or theirs, and doesn’t accomplish much.

And why does being a slut have to be a bad thing? Cringing at the word won’t make it go away. Sluts take charge. Knowing what you want and how to get it may qualify you as a “bitch” or a “slut,” but as the oracle of Fey once said:

If a man doesn’t have to worry about being assaulted if he passed out, why should women? It’s not even a feminist issue, it’s an issue of humanity. There are things you just don’t do, and there are too many people with morality complexes that don’t understand that.

So ladies, life may not change in a day, but take charge. Hold onto your sexuality and wear it with pride. Take a page from the book of JLaw:

And maybe a page or two from my own story:

What Steubenville brings to light is this: they weren’t techincally breaking the law, so they thought their actions were okay. These boys legitimately cannot recognize right from wrong (minds that consider morality would have recognized their actions as inhumane and horrible, but these boys did not see it that way). They were raised this way, and it’s not just the small town of Steubenville that supplies this culture.

Rape culture has become a hub of blame-throwing and name-calling, and it’s time to stop. We can learn from Steubenville. Teach morality. Practice right and wrong. Bringing up the future on a solid ground will make the difference. #realmendontrape (Photo above from Toronto Slutwalk 2012, read my post about the walk here.)

As a little summary, here’s a video that puts everything into PERFECT perspective. Watch from 4:00. I just can’t put it any better.

So I leave you now, with a list: 20 things that are NOT an invitation to rape.
Brush up, humanity.

1. Drinking. (A cup in hand is NOT the same as yes.)

2. Drinking too much. (A bottle in hand is NOT the same as yes.)

3. Being so wasted you can’t walk. (Laying down is NOT the same as yes.)

4. Being so wasted you can’t talk. (No answer is NOT the same as yes.)

5. Being so wasted you lose your shoes. (Drunk is NOT the same as yes.)

6. Being so wasted you can’t get home. (Lost is NOT the same as yes.)

7. Being so wasted you pass out. (Unconscious is NOT the same as yes.)

8. Being passed out. (Seriously, why the fuck do people think it’s okay to fuck unconscious things?)

9. Being asleep. (Zzzzzzzz is NOT the same as yes.)

10. Being single. (Available does not mean yes.)

11. Being out with the girls. (A night out does not mean yes.)

12. Dancing. (Sometimes, girls really do just want to dance. Which is not a yes.)

13. Being a girl.

14. Being a child.

15. Being a virgin.

16. Being a slut. (STILL not a yes.)

17. Having tattoos.

18. Being young.

19. Being old.

20. Being there.

Need I go on?

Follow me on Twitter here.

9 People To Unfollow/Unfriend On Every Platform

1. The friends you gained and lost within high school.

If you were friends in ninth grade, done by tenth grade, enemies by eleventh, and over it and each other by prom, you probably don’t need each other in your third year of university. Granted, some people are good contacts to keep, but if you can’t think of a justifiable reason and you haven’t spoken SINCE high school, you might as well get rid of them before they become little more than a scroll-by “Who…?” on your newsfeed. Deletes and unfollows don’t have to be malicious or mean, or even personal (though they can be. Try and avoid that.).

2. That friend who only brings you down.

Negativity, especially when given access to Twitter and other broadcastable forms of being social, is just no good. You know the ones, they post the dramatic, sad song lyrics, the uncomfortable over-shares, and the really pathetic “omg life cant b wurse right now” updates that nobody takes seriously. Unfollow exists for a reason, just keep your fingers crossed that you don’t have to deal with weird emotional social activity from actual friends: that can get awks.

3. PARODY ACCOUNTS.

STOP IT. LOOK FOR THE GODDAMN CHECKMARK. You KNOW that isn’t Wiz Khalifa. This is 2013, people. Learn how to use Twitter.

4. Everyone you accumulated over the course of high school that you haven’t actually ever spoken to since.

Seriously. The girl who had the locker next to you in ninth grade, the friend-of-a-friend from the volleyball team, that guy you bought off of that one time at that party? Facebook is a social network for friends, not an accumulation of everyone you’ve ever known. Try not to invest yourself in the social lives of strangers and unnecessary acquaintances, it’ll only clog up your digital pores with unnecessary shit you don’t need. It’s like really, actually caring about the lives of celebrities that don’t care about you. You can control who’s on your Facebook; you can’t control who’s on the cover of magazines.

5. Friends exes.

If you weren’t friends with them, then why…? Don’t go there.

6. The friend on her eighteenth chance.

If she KEEPS borrowing money whilst barely making rent and going out every weekend, KEEPS getting too wasted and losing your shoes, KEEPS expecting everything with no expectation of giving anything in return, KEEPS “borrowing” but never returning everything ever, KEEPS accidentally sexting you instead of her fifteen FWBs, and this has KEPT happening since you graduated; it’s time to purge. This also applies to anyone over the legal drinking age that still hasn’t learned their limits, friends that use you as a hotel, and anyone who doesn’t care about their credit. It’s time to grow up, and shed that shit.

7. Anyone you constantly hate-read.

Facebook photos you look at and loathe, tweets you huff past, instagram photos that make you scroll faster, this is not what these networks are for. Find people who you enjoy, who don’t irritate you, and who know how to properly use a social network (“OMG I HAVE THE BEST BF EVA” does NOT cut it in a world where I can conveniently unfriend you without even leaving my newsfeed). Fill your news feed with positivity. There are only so many things you can pay attention to before you need to differentiate what’s actually important and what can be simply removed.

8. Anyone you constantly hate for no reason (slightly different than the people you simply hate-read).

Girls, stop hating on pretty girls. Boys, stop it too, if that’s a thing. But seriously, girls, stop it. This endless cycle of pointless hate is absurd and unproductive. Hating someone because of unjustified jealousy accomplishes nothing, and whether it’s their movie-star good looks since birth, their fabulous apartment, or their job-that-never-seems-to-stop-promoting… hate-jealousy is poison, and you need to detox that shit.

9. Anyone you slept with and never spoke to again.

Unless you’re planning on pursing another round (which, if you haven’t spoken in years – you’re not), get rid of it. Especially if it wasn’t that great of a connection in the first place (which, if you haven’t attempted contact in years – it wasn’t). It’s like keeping leftovers you KNOW you aren’t going to eat. It’s like buying a movie because you heard it was good but it actually wasn’t that good and it definitely wasn’t your thing, and keeping it on the top shelf just wasting space. It’s like favouriting website bookmarks you don’t use, shoes you’ve never worn, that dress that fits okay but you never wear it out cause you don’t really like it THAT much and …okay, I should really stop before I offend someone. 3, 2, 1, CLEANSE!