Every Girls Night Out Ever

At first you’re like,

girls night

But then you remember,


So you round up the friends that made the cut,


And you get ready. It takes ages, not because you’re indecisive, but because you have SO many clothes, and they all suck.

nothing to wear

By the time everyone shows up, your outfit frustrations have been downed by the pre-drink, and IT’S GO TIME.

body is ready


supposed to bring

Upon arrival at the bar,


As an all-girl troupe, you bitches stick together. Work together to fend off unwanted attention,

battling guys

And celebrate with colorful shots. Or tequila.

shots drinking

Class will be demonstrated (as usual),

jason segel

And ultimately, five topics will be discussed.

more wine

1) Work,

Where you can freely rant about The Work Bitch without the elephant/manager in the room. You are your own unreliable narrator, recounting your combative exploits to the world, without anyone really noticing any plot holes or exaggerations on your part. All the girls have to do is agree, pitch in some betchy sidebars, and wait your turn. Unless of course, this is a work girls night, in which case ALL cards are on the table, right next to the double shot glasses . Tread carefully.

drink everytime bitch


2) Men,

Girls talk about guys and sex JUST AS MUCH as guys talk about girls and sex. It’s just different.


3) Bitches, girly shit, and self-acknowledgement.

Girls talk about girly shit. Honestly, there’s a lot of shit to cover. Stereotypically bitching about hair, makeup, periods, men, bitches, skin, shoes, clothes, shaving, and any of the other thirty thousand things that fall under the kind-of-misogynistic-but-relatively-justified topics of girly conversation. Realistically though, if a man had to hook a cage onto his chest every morning, squeeze and squish into the crap we wear on a daily basis (all the OPTIONS), and deal with monthly cramps and bleeding and baby scares, I’M SURE HE WOULD BITCH A BIT TOO BECAUSE IT’S A PRETTY DECENT SIZED ASPECT OF LIFE AS A GIRL SO QUIT JUDGING AND TAKE A DRINK.

raven margarita good


Plus, acknowledging your decent into stereotypical GIRLSNIGHT! just makes it that much more beautiful. “Guys, we’re totally like a less-awkward Girls, only with like three Jessas and a Shosh. And like, a little bit classier.” I’d watch that.

4) Sex,

You know that one friend that’s like, really, really open about talking graphically and specifically about her sexcapades? She may get the ball rolling, but at girls night, it’s the surprise shares from your shier friends that make the memories. Those off-hand comments shouted juuuuust a little too loudly across the bar will make you closer than you ever expected. No judging!

vagina depressed

5) Food.

Have you ever listened to drunk girls talk about food?

think of your butteating gifAll it takes is an order of mozzarella sticks to turn a group of martini-ed ladies into a horde of ravenous vultures. Suck it up and order something, you’re drinking most of your calories anyway.

BUT FOODWe’ll be brutally honest,

emotionally slutty

And we are free to bitch and moan about #girlproblems without #brotips.

ribbons are hard

There might be dancing,


And friendly banter,

drink it force

And the next morning, as usual…

morning survived


More girly guilty pleasures? Click here.

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