10 Modern Commandments

1. Thou shalt not have sex with unconscious people. Even if they were really, really into you before they passed out.


2. Thou shalt say nothing behind a back that would not be said to the face.

bitch nicki

3. Thou shalt not hate thy job for more than a few months. Be happy. If you really, really hate your job, balls up and quit. Quitting a job doesn’t have to be a giant scene or the end of the world. Not all work is for everyone. Do yourself (and all the people you complain to) a favour and find something you enjoy.

good job bb

4. Thou shalt not lie when answering “How do I look?” That shit is sacred. If someone is genuinely asking you, don’t bullshit. Constructive criticism: no need to be a bitch (…unless need be).

you look beautiful

5. Thou shalt not be a digital idiot. It is 2013. Keeping your personal pages employee-friendly, and remembering that every photo, video, and word recorded online can stay in the system forever, is important. It is also important that you outgrow unnecessary habits that may have formed in high school due to the explosion and timing of Facebook: chronicling your relationships, TMI-ing your relationships, relying on your relationship status for any kind of confirmation of anything, and not-at-all-subtle whiny song lyrics directed at people.

texting who

6. Thou shalt not answer a question with a question. It’ll be easier for people to respect you when you sound like you believe yourself. Be confident. Be sure, like Ryan Gosling.

gosling don't go

7. Thou shalt know thy drinking limits. If thou shalt blow chunks, thou shalt apologize profusely upon sobriety, and owe thy caretaker big-time. Drinking doesn’t always have to end in smudgy mascara tears on the toilet bowl and a tangled half-ponytail knotted in a pukey frenzy. Experiment with different wine and beer and learn how to order at a bar. Drink well.

drinking amy

8. Thou shalt recognize that nobody, anywhere owes you anything. You are not entitled to anything from anyone else. You are not owed a job, money, or goodwill. You are not entitled to these things because of your gender, your race, or where you’re from. Life is hard. You will have to work. You don’t deserve more than anyone else because of anything except hard work.

stop condescending

9. Thou shalt stop interrupting. You are not a child, you can be patient. Self-control, baby.


10. Thou shalt not take one’s youth for granted. Go out and do what you want. Seriously. Whether you feel like it all the time or not, being young means being resillient. Your heart will crack and break and get Magic-Bullet-ed back together, and your friends will change and move and revolve and you will learn to love the ones that stay like family. You can bounce back; and you will be more broke than you ever thought, and you’ll save and splurge and figure out what works for you. The world is your oyster, your playground, your dance floor, your blank canvas, whatever you want to call it, it’s yours. So smile, cry, go outside, date interesting people that will open your mind, read something that will change your life, and don’t let your health and vigilance go to waste. Do something!

happy jump anchorman


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