9 Reasons Nobody REALLY Likes Taylor Swift

1. You know most of the words to “Trouble” (and half of her songs, even though you REALLY DON’T LISTEN TO THEM, I SWEAR!).

…and it’s not just because of the video my Facebook can’t get enough of:

Also, try this one on for size:

2. She tried to pull a feminism on Tiny Fey and Amy Poehler, the Queens of the Universe.

You just don’t do that, especially not when the Internet is already at your throat for 29850434 other “reasons.” But this is an actual reason. She rains on the Liz Lemon parade, and under an umbrella of Katie Couric and feminism, quoted Couric quoting someone else, saying “there’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women,” referring to Fey & Poehler’s crack at her during their (hilarious) stint hosting the Golden Globes. The best part is how much Swift didn’t get it, and how much nobody cared. Read the full story on E! here.

3. She actually had one of the One Direction boys.

Go ahead, hate on the music, hate on the branding, but the boys from One Direction are cute as really, really, really cute buttons. They’re little stylized, idealized Brits that America can’t get enough of, and dating one is just about as life-threatening as falling at a 1D concert. Seriously, no good comes of being the significant other of in-demand man-boys like Harry Styles and Bieber. Except that you can say you went there. She’s recently been alleged to have spent the night at Ed Sheeran’s… which I feel like is just a weirdly related Brit that I don’t want to deal with just yet. But seriously girl, you didn’t get enough death threats and crazy flak from the Directioners? Pick a less high-profile guy, and STOP TALKING ABOUT EVERYTHING.

Sidenote: Anyone who hates Swifty because she’s a “slut:” oh, get over it. You wouldn’t bang John Mayer, Jake Gyllenhaal, a Jonas brother in 2008, Conor Kennedy or Taylor Lautner? Just because she doesn’t handle it well doesn’t make her a slut.

But holy shit, their kids would have some seriously incredible hair.

4. You can only watch her win something so many times before it becomes justification for homicide.

She’s been nominated 185 times, and won 150 times. That’s 150 speeches, a whole lot of which were televised. Her Grammys come from “White Horse,” “Mean,” and “Safe and Sound.” Granted, she writes most of her stuff, so the awards are (sometimes) justified, but when they’re fan-voted, it’s pretty much time to go microwave some popcorn or take a pee break. But I could watch her win that 2009 VMA until the end of time. Mostly because I LOVE imagining the explosion in the control room trying to figure out what the fuck to do.

Watch from 1:18. (Rough quality, but the only link that actually shows the whole thing:)

5. She’s beautiful.

And in an interesting, cool way that you don’t really understand. And she’s got those Asian-y eyes you can’t decide whether to envy or despise. And she’s blonde and all cheekbones and smile and ah, fuck it.

6. She’s too easy.

To make fun of.

7. She’s only 23 and she’s way more rich, famous, and fabulous than most of us will ever be, at 22 or any other time in your life.

We shouldn’t hate her for this, but we do. So girls, stop hating on other girls for no reason. The other nine reasons on this list are still okay, though, so you’re good here. Even when she screws up, she comes out on top. She buys a house next to the Kennedy she was dating, they break up, and she makes a literal million dollar profit on the house-flip. Because she needs a million MORE dollars.

8. The ending of “22.”

An awesome, fun, shallow-but-so-catchy-and-dancey-that-we-can-ignore-the-lack-of-substance-until-the-end-of-the-song song, “22” is the sixth song off of her newest album, and proves that a quality Swift song is hard to find. I have entirely conditional love for this song: skip the first few lines (especially avoiding her pronunciation of “hipsters”), and the last bit, anything involving the line “You look like bad news, I gotta have you,” and the song’s not bad. Okay, it’s still kind of bad, but it’s fun as hell.

9. She LIVES in high school.

Whether she actually attended high school or not (she did two years in school and one year on tour to earn her diploma) is irrelevant. She uses her PR team to avoid touchy subjects with the press, and recently refused to discuss Harry Styles with Vanity Fair, but “authorized someone to discuss” it with them. Oh, T-Swift. She just makes it harder for herself. #sigh

5 Things People Need to Stop Judging People On

1. Their taste in music.

I can personally scroll through my iTunes and find as many songs from The Temptations as I can Taylor Swift. The Walkmen are followed by 90s Weezer, 80s Whitesnake, Will Smith and his kids (remember, don’t judge!), and The Wreckers. It starts with A. R. Rahman and ends with 38 Special. If I were to try and judge myself on my taste of music, I would be half a ghettofabulous shallow hipster from the 40s-80s, and half elderly man with a thing for trashy top 40, EDM, anything Motown, and obscure television soundtracks. Judging people on their taste in music is like genuinely basing your treatment of a person on whether they prefer orange or apple juice.

Speaking of, here’s a little playlist of my favourites right now, from opposite sides of the spectrum:

2. The number of people they’ve slept with.

Oh Jesus, get over it already. Seriously. Especially once you’ve left high school, opened your mind, opened your legs, and begun your mandatory life-long course in sexual politics. Accepting that “your number” doesn’t define you – and other people’s numbers don’t define them – means that you have control of your sexuality. You don’t need to be that insecure bitch calling every girl without a serious commitment a slut. Let’s talk about Sluts here.

3. Whether or not they’re a “hipster.”

Some people just need glasses. As a girl who needs glasses, STOP ASKING US IF THEY’RE REAL. And stop wearing glasses if they’re not real. Hipster or not, it’s unnecessary. Some of us have very little vision left, If you’re blessed with perfect vision, enjoy it, and don’t cloud it with fingerprinted lenses you don’t need. Granted, some of us just like bargain hunting. Some of us just have different taste in music. Some people just like Pinterest. Some people just like PBR are still too closed-minded or cheap to expand their taste. Some people work the androgynous boho look, and some people just really like spending 40$ on a tank top from American Apparel. Whatever. Stop hating on every person who enjoys thrift shops and indie music. It’s cheap, alright?

Ultimate hipster timeline here.

4. The alcohol they drink.

Unless you’re in the cheap first-year-of-college drinking mode (which you should not be, unless you are actually IN your first year of college), stop it. You can do better than PBR and shitty bulk wine. Hell hath no fury like a cheap wine hangover, and you’ve outgrown that. But that doesn’t mean you have to roll your eyes at every drink you’re not a fan of.

5. Whether or not they read the Twilight books (in the past).

Seriously. If you went to high school when the first movie came out, you probably read the damn book. Just live with it and move on – might I recommend Silver Linings Playbook? The book is an easy read, but a substantial one. Don’t like reading? Learn to. You can judge people that keep reading them though, just a bit.

Watch more Bad Lip Reading videos here.

“My best friend is the man who’ll bring me a book I ain’t read.”
-Abraham Lincoln

7 Videos to Entertain Musically, Religiously, Pop-Culturally, Politically, and Gosling-y

1. The Zombie Apocalypse is Mentioned in the House of Commons.

READ THE TITLE. All hail Canada.

2. Ryan Gosling Gets Embarrassed By a Dish Towel.

Literally. I (don’t shoot me, girls) actually am not a huge Ryan Gosling fan, or I wasn’t until I saw him in Gangster Squad (bad-ASS!), but this video is possibly the funniest/cutest/sexiest/most ridiculous–oh, just watch it, now you have to.

3. Kennedy Center Honors: Led Zeppelin

FREE CONCERTS ON YOUTUBE WOOO. I love the Internet.

4. Did you know: The creators of South Park went to the 2000 Academy Awards on acid.

If you’ve never seen the Making Of South Park, you’re seriously missing out. It’s on Netflix. And it’s short.

5. More reasons to love Jennifer Lawrence, and Jack Nicholson!

The funnnnnniest interview-bomb of the Oscars this year. Absolutely.

6. 10 Things I Hate About Commandments.

A parody trailer. Religious humor. Under 1.5 mins.

7. Evolution of Mom Dancing: Jimmy Fallon and Michelle Obama.

Cute video, totally worth it to watch because of the end.

7 People You Don’t Need on Facebook After You Leave Residence

1. Every person you ever added on Frosh Week and never ended up contacting again. If you don’t recognize their name on your newsfeed, that’s probably a sign.

2. Every person you ever added after/during/because of a party and never ended up contacting again. If you only know their last name because of Fbook, delete.

3. Your RA. If you never got to know them past that point, you probably don’t need them on the Book.

4. That bitch you never liked. Now you don’t have to.

5. The roommate you never bonded with. Just because you were forced to live together for a few months and shared your first-year-residence woes together doesn’t mean they are of any use to you any longer. Especially if you ended on bad terms. Seriously, just unfriend. Nobody will be offended.

6. That frat guy you always promised to go to a party with. You never went, at least not often. And you don’t go now. And you loathe contact with him, and avoid his messages, so what’s the point?

7. That guy/girl you hooked up with once and never spoke to again apart from sporadic drunk attempted booty calls on Facebook chat. A drunk mistake that doesn’t need to be immortalized on the internet.

10 Things That Need to End

1. Die Hard. Die Hard is awesome. That’s why it’s a classic. You can watch it over and over again, and it’s still awesome. So I just feel like everyone should stop trying to fix what isn’t broken, and just keep watching the first one. DIE HARD!

2. Chris Brown and Rihanna’s relationship. Just like, how is this still happening? Seriously.

3. Anything to do with Joaquin Phoenix.

4. Everything to do with making a movie franchise “The Next Twilight.” We just finished five years of the last one, do we really need another?

5. The “Harlem Shake” craze. Alright, some of them are funny. Some of them are hilarious. But, it’s over. You killed it, and it’s over now. OVER.

6. Glee. Season One: fun, new, entertaining. Season Two: not bad, entertaining, losing a little verve. Season Three: eh. Season Four: overkill, throwaway story lines that don’t matter, and a mediocre next-generation of characters that aren’t as interesting as the first round. Degrassi flashbacks, anyone? Ryan Murphy, move on.

7. Winter. I just feel like everyone’s over it. Summer lovin’, leggo!

8. Final Destination. Okay, so this one might have ended. But in hopes that it really is over, I plan on acknowledging the existence of a sixth film. Maybe it’ll jinx it. The film’s people said they’d do a sixth and seventh film if the fifth one was a success. They made the fifth one 3D, so the sky-high prices paired with the tiny attention spans of our world’s youth made the film a “success.” Fingers NOT crossed.

9. Grey’s Anatomy. I’m a die hard Grey’s fan, and it hurts me to see the show descend into mediocrity. The great parts are gone, the characters have run their course, and it needs to be over. Shonda Rimes, move on.

10. American Idol. I stopped caring the second Simon left, and reeeeeeeally stopped caring when they turned the judges into the hot mess they are now. The Voice and The X Factor have filled whatever needs AI used to fill. #SimonSays

20 Belated New Years Resolutions You Could Actually Achieve

1. Spend at least a few hours every day away from your cell phone. Even if it’s just to watch a movie, unplug for a while.

2. Just sign up for Netflix already, and get off your roommate’s account. You’ll be able to have it on your phone, your computer, and you won’t be a mooch. It’s the little victories.

3. At least one grocery trip a month, don’t buy anything with unpronounceable, chemical ingredients. Invest in some fruit, and give your body a breath of fresh air.

4. Start making checklists. You’ll forget less, and remember more. Or, you’ll end up like me, with fifty checklists in fourteen different books, and a checklist-ception vortex at the desk at the foot of my bed. Either way, I usually don’t forget my notebook now!

5. Consider removing tactless words from your vocabulary. I’m really working on my swearing, but fuck.

6. Donate! Get into a habit of saying yes to that 2$ donation at Loblaws. That 5$ text-in donation does help, and you know it. Suck it up and help out a bit; pretend it’s tax.

7. Try a food that you didn’t know you’ve never tried. Like a pomegranate, or a fancy cheese you can’t spell. G-o-r-g-o-n-z-o-l-a?

8. Accept that people like Beyonce can do whatever they want, including name a baby Blue Ivy, blow the power at one of the biggest television and sporting events of the year, start a ridiculously unfortunate internet meme, and lip sync at a Presidential inauguration, and somehow she owns it all and you will still want to be her.

9. Stop caring about stuff you don’t need to care about. The Kardashians, the DWTS lineup, the Lohan family problems, the Bachelor. You can care, just don’t like, actually care.

10. Learn how to properly use LinkedIn, and start networking. You’ll thank yourself. And then me. And then the people who invented LinkedIn. But don’t exaggerate here: LinkedIn is a professional network, so if you haven’t accepted your digital footprint as a permanent judge of your character, you better start. Google yourself, and get rid of the reasons _____________ shouldn’t hire you.

11. Try not to be sexist. Even just in little things. Try.

12. Stop endlessly complaining about things you know you don’t know anything about. Sure, you can hate Glee all you want. You can rip on Community or try and tear apart Lost, but if you’ve never watched the damn show, especially if you’ve never even seen it once, stop. Nobody wants to hear rambling nothings based entirely on third-hand information. Give the show a try, there’s a reason people love it. And if it’s not your thing, try not to ruin it for everyone else.

13. Don’t give yourself such a hard time.

14. Accept that your family has Facebook. So do your employers, so clean it up.

15. Choose one of the following quality comedies and get hooked: Community, 30 Rock, Shameless, Louie, Girls, or Parks and Recreation. 

16. Try to keep the number of mornings you wake up hating liquor to a minimum. Take care of your liver, especially if you started early.

17. Stop complaining about the same things and start looking forward to other things. It’s fucking freezing? Yeah, thanks. I’ve been outside in the last three months, I’m aware. Can we stop talking about it, and start making summer plans already? Festival lineups are out. Pick one, make a summer goal. You won’t regret it.

18. Read more sites like this. And books. And newspapers. And write more.

19. Pick an older show on Netflix and enjoy a simpler time. Use it to fall asleep, watch it intently, whichever. Just educate yourself on television past, Netflix has got some gems (Dick Van Dyke and Cheers, to recommend a few options).

20. Edit your goals so they’re achievable. Sure, you’re probably not going to never drink again. But you could make a deal with yourself to never drink straight tequila from a funnel before dinner again.

#GOALS

My 7 Favourite Bad Lip Reading Videos

1. NFL. So THATS what they’re saying…

2. Inauguration 2013. It’s weirdly comforting to hear a Barack-like voice talk absolute nonesense. But I lost it at the shots of the crowd. But “La Fway” takes it to a different place.

3. The Hunger Games. This one actually sucks. Cause it’s gross, and ridiculously stupid, and The Hunger Games is awesome. But its absofuckinglutely hilarious. Good luck with the end.

5. Gotye. “Somebody I Used To Know” becomes “Kicked Your Goat” in this unfairly catchy dub-over of the overplayed-but-somehow-still-enjoyable Gotye hit.

6. Bieber and Rascal Flatts. Nothing is okay about this except everything.

7. One Direction. Do me a favour, and only watch 1:00-1:08.

8. Pop mashup. Lady Gaga, Bruno Mars, and Jay Z come together for a synthesize-y, strangely cohesive mix. I’ve listened to too many of these, they’re starting to sound normal.

9. Mitt Romney. Just… lol.

15 Things People Need To Shut Up About

1. That really fucking awesome thing that happened six months ago that I’ve had to relive every time we get together because you haven’t managed to get out of the house since then. Do something, or at least stop making me constantly listen to a story I was part of.

2. How “horrible” your parents were/are, when they’re beautiful, awesome people who funded your education and taught you how to pour beer properly. Say thanks.

3. Television shows you KNOW I haven’t watched yet. WE HAVE HAD THIS CONVERSATION FORTY TIMES. I’M STUCK AT SEASON FOUR AND IF YOU RUIN BrBa FOR ME SO HELP ME GOD.

4. The bags under their eyes. I’m definitely guilty of this one, but damn, we’ve all got ’em. Get over it.

5. Intense explanations of video games. If I didn’t ask, I don’t want to know.

6. How great their free laundry is. Shut it, bitch.

7. Discussing people’s number of sexual partners like it defines them. Please get over it. Some people meet The One right away, some of us have to work a little harder. Don’t judge. #slutpride

8. How “over” Facebook you are. Honestly, you’re probably not going to actually stop using it, so just stop.

9. Really, really detailed stories from your past. Especially if you’re trying to give me the names of every student in your high school. Especially if we went to drastically different high schools. Or similar high schools.

10. Any diehard opinion you have that I will have no impact or difference upon. If you’re not hearing, I’m not listening.

11. Financials. Whether you’re more broke than me, rolling in it, or breaking even, I don’t need to know the in-depth results of your latest credit check. And seriously, don’t complain about being broke if you’re gonna spend money while you’re at it.

12. Gangnam Style.

13. How much winter sucks. I hate it. SO much. But I’m starting to only hate it because of the constant flow of negativity. Snow can be pretty too!

14. Their level of activity. This is entirely up to you, so JUST GET UP. If you’re complaining about weight/health/etc, chances are, there’s something you can do about it.

15. Their pets. Sorry, but I like, really, really don’t care. Especially if it’s a shockingly low-resolution photo on your iPhone. How do you even get shitty pictures on an iPhone anymore?

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8 Things I Could Go The Rest Of My Life Not Doing

1. Cleaning up shit. Dogs, babies, I’ve avoided it all thus far, lets go for nineteen more years!

2. Paying fees that I don’t have to pay because I’m a student. Man, my last year of school is just going to be a money drain of last-ditch-student-discount-advantage-taking.

3. Watching celebrities age badly. I don’t like seeing Matt Leblanc descend into senior status any more than the next Friend, but I’ve already had to watch the advanced aging of Lindsay Lohan, the bloating of Vince Vaughn, and the microwaving of Keith Richards. There’s only so much a girl can take.

4. Taxes. I was blessed with having one of the top five financial advisors in the country (woop woop!) as my mother, and she has done my taxes, her parents’ taxes, and the taxes of every person in our family, as far as I’m aware. Frankly, I could go my whole life not dealing with banking at all, but I feel like I should figure out at least the basics.

5. Dealing with curly hair. Honestly, everyone battles back and forth with wanting whichever hair genre they weren’t blessed with. I’ve had pin straight hair all my life, and I will enjoy it until the moment my hair changes its mind and finds its way back into my mother’s genes.

6. Understanding pensions.

7. Remembering what day of the week recycling/garbage is. Seriously, no idea. Does it change between cities? My neighbors do it.

8. Dealing with the financial consequences of my friends and family growing up and getting married/ having kids/ being classy people who bring wine and things that cost money places. I’m gonna enjoy it, but financially, I will acknowledge nothing. #ignoranceisbliss

10 Things I Should Have Experienced As a 90s Kid, But Didn’t

1. Full House. Yep, that’s right. I missed out on Uncle Jessie, John Stamos, the Olsen twins when they were cute, etc etc etc. I never even noticed what I was missing until the 7 and 8 year old children I babysat during high school (whose sisters had apparently been more televisually-educated than I) suggested it one night. And awwwwwwwwwww… it’s really cute. Check out buzzfeed’s list of little-known FH facts here.

2. Boy Meets World.  I grew up with a sister older by nine years, a brother younger by three, parents with relatively little interest in television, and a revolving door of American/Canadian satellite channel swaps. ABC sitcoms took a backseat to free Pay Per View. All I know is Topanga is a strange name. And there were boys. Very 90s-looking boys. And now there’s a sequel, and I kind of wish I cared.

3. My So-Called Life. I was a Degrassi girl.

4. 7th Heaven. Didn’t like Jessica Biel in the 90s, don’t like her now. However, I appreciate the run of the show, and what it did for television. Even if basically everyone from the show went on to enjoy little more than short-lived supporting roles in series’ on a variety of varying-sized networks (No Ordinary Family, Secret Life of the American Teenager, Numb3rs, and Smallville, to name a few), they had a good run.

5. Lunchables. Alright, whether this is something I should have experienced as a kid, or something my fabulous parents managed to keep out of my system with healthy lunches, I don’t think I’ve ever eaten a proper Lunchable. High-five to my parents for never copping out!

6. F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Considering the disgusting amount of random Friends trivia I know now, it blows my mind that I never saw the show while it was airing. I remember hearing kids talk in fifth grade, the glorious year of The Last One, discussing the trials and tribulations of the gang. All I ever knew was that there was a Chandler character, and it was either a man, or a woman.

7. Fruit snacks of any variety. Gushers, Fruit by the Foot, all that shit. None of that. I traded fruit to desperate children with bad teeth.

8. Furbies, Tamagatchis, Barbies, and other toy-related fads. For whatever reason, I never had (or really wanted, as far as I recall) any of the toys or electronicky stuff that I played with elsewhere. I had Bratz (I thought they were cooler than Barbies), a Skip-It (which still gets used), and like, a doll. I pride my child-self in my ability to not have loved weird shit.

9. Boy Bands. Honestly, I didn’t get into boy bands until I got into Justin Timberlake. I was familiar with the music, but I never the the whole posters-cds-concerts-and-all-that-freaking-out-ness. I like the music more now than I did then, and shamelessly.

10. Sunny D. The amount of Sunny D I guzzled at other people’s houses is unacceptable on every social, nutritional, and economic level.