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1. Everyone with headphones in is listening to One Direction. 

That guy with the dreads walking with a limp? Yup. The Jon Hamm lookalike you pass by on the way to work? Yup. The bitter bus driver with a stick up her ass? Yup. Seriously entertaining.

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2. Celebrity Match-Up

From the son of Geddy Lee and Paris Hilton I saw at the grocery store, to the hybrid daughter of Daniel Radcliffe and Julia Roberts that lives on my block, I love calling people out on who they kind-of-sort-of-might look like, especially when you find the really, really accurate ones. It doesn’t have to be offensive, it doesn’t even have to be based on looks or clothes or anything that makes sense, it’s your game. The other day, someone told me I reminded them of a Lena Dunham-Jennifer Lawrence hybrid. I don’t know how well I handled it.

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3. Animal sounds.

Pretty much just a game of subtle offensive comments, this works best in a loud area where you can be… not heard. Make the sounds of the animals that would represent the passersby. Most accurate wins. Extra points for realizing most animals make a similar eoiuertyoiwuehakjbvausd sound.

4. Narrate conversations you’re not close enough to hear.

Bonus points for narrating a couple’s breakup.

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5. Wave at babies. 

This may not be a game, but seriously, when the baby waves back and you remember how flusteringly adorable tiny people are, and you turn into a pile of smushy baby talk that pretty much consists of opening your mouth and saying “Hiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!” in varying volumes and levels of obnoxious glee… you’ll just feel better.

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It’s like petting someone’s dog on the street corner. It just makes you happier. But definitely go with waving. Don’t touch people’s babies. They don’t like that.

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6. Listen. 

Play I Spy, but with sounds. Just take in the soundscape around you. You know catching bits of conversations out of context is funny, so try hearing more. You might catch something interesting.

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Hearing actual breakups is even more fun that making them up.

7. Reverse shit-talk the world.

It’s really easy to sit on the patio and and rip on everyone that walks by, calling them names and making animal sounds. But it’s actually easier, and way more pleasant by the end, to discuss the positives of people. Her shoes, his jacket, the way they walk together. It’s easy to get caught up in your opinion of things, but seeing the diversity of humanity is awesome, and people-watching is where it’s at.

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When I heard about the whole Steubenville trial, I was blown away. It’s already a touchy subject, teenagers and drinking and rape. But when you throw in that people tweeted threats at the victim, texted details and pictures, and the rapists actually took photo and video of the victim and posted them online? I don’t know what I was most upset about: these teenagers for giving young people a bad name, the fact that all of this happened while nobody helped, or the rapists themselves.

Just watch the first minute or so if you’re not familiar with the story.

I would have thought it was difficult to make a situation like this worse, but apparently not. It’s one thing to rape, but to genuinely throw away someone’s pain like this, to brag on the internet and show off your malevolence and complete disregard for the simple humanity of another soul… I just can’t understand. I can’t understand why these people had no regard for moral etiquette or tact (partygoers engaged in the online discussion and social media spread, rather than reporting or stopping the situation). I can’t understand why the photos were on Instagram. I can’t understand why the coach (who was fully aware of the situation) did nothing to punish the boys, and actually blamed the girl, saying “The rape was just an excuse, I think. What else are you going to tell your parents drunk like that and after a night like that?”

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While the world has people like that, it also has people like me. And people like you. And people like your friends, and your family, and their families, and the random people you walk by on the street. These people should be believed, trusted, respected, and treated with humanity. You don’t even have to be a good person to treat people like people.

Immanuel Kant’s greatest philosophical legacy comes from his idea that people cannot treat others as solely a means to their own end. In other words, if you’re using people like they’re tools, and tossing them aside… no good. If your sex life is basically masturbation with another person… no good. If you recently assaulted a sixteen year old with your friend and posted it online because you’re seriously that ignorant of a person… no good. It’s mind-blowingly inhumane, and just not okay.

Why can’t a woman walk into a bar with the sole goal of going home with a man? Well, we can, but it’s much less socially acceptable. Men do it every day. They can freely bar crawl to their heart’s content, getting shot down and trying again until they reel in a winner, but we can’t?

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Have sex, ladies. If you want to. Sexual freedom isn’t limited to the Barney Stinsons of the world; take the world by the bedsheets and live. Hiding from sex and muting discussion don’t help anything. Rape becomes a problem when we don’t talk about it, and when we keep it taboo. Talking things out makes life easier, puts everyone on the same page. Why wouldn’t you want life to be easier?

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So have some sex. Have as much sex as you want. If you’re using protection and not being stupid, there’s no reason to limit yourself because of:

a) how many people your friends have slept with
b) how many people you’ve slept with
c) how many people you think you should sleep with because you saw that Anna Faris movie and it made you judge yourself and everyone else and Chris Evans is just so delicious, if you met fifty different versions of him, you’d probably want to have sex with most of them, and there shouldn’t be shame in admitting that, right? Mmmm, Chris Evans.

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(What’s Your Number, 2011. Good for a bad movie, FYI. Half-decent chick flick.)

Have sex when you want to, and don’t have sex when you don’t. You’ve got hormones, use ’em! Being a slut may not be for everyone, just like kiwi aren’t for everyone, and tequila isn’t for everyone. But keeping track of numbers isn’t important, and nobody should be judged on “their number.” Calling other girls sluts won’t change your number or theirs, and doesn’t accomplish much.

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And why does being a slut have to be a bad thing? Cringing at the word won’t make it go away. Sluts take charge. Knowing what you want and how to get it may qualify you as a “bitch” or a “slut,” but as the oracle of Fey once said:

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If a man doesn’t have to worry about being assaulted if he passed out, why should women? It’s not even a feminist issue, it’s an issue of humanity. There are things you just don’t do, and there are too many people with morality complexes that don’t understand that.

So ladies, life may not change in a day, but take charge. Hold onto your sexuality and wear it with pride. Take a page from the book of JLaw:

And maybe a page or two from my own story:

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What Steubenville brings to light is this: they weren’t techincally breaking the law, so they thought their actions were okay. These boys legitimately cannot recognize right from wrong (minds that consider morality would have recognized their actions as inhumane and horrible, but these boys did not see it that way). They were raised this way, and it’s not just the small town of Steubenville that supplies this culture.

Rape culture has become a hub of blame-throwing and name-calling, and it’s time to stop. We can learn from Steubenville. Teach morality. Practice right and wrong. Bringing up the future on a solid ground will make the difference. #realmendontrape (Photo above from Toronto Slutwalk 2012, read my post about the walk here.)

As a little summary, here’s a video that puts everything into PERFECT perspective. Watch from 4:00. I just can’t put it any better.

So I leave you now, with a list: 20 things that are NOT an invitation to rape.
Brush up, humanity.

1. Drinking. (A cup in hand is NOT the same as yes.)

2. Drinking too much. (A bottle in hand is NOT the same as yes.)

3. Being so wasted you can’t walk. (Laying down is NOT the same as yes.)

4. Being so wasted you can’t talk. (No answer is NOT the same as yes.)

5. Being so wasted you lose your shoes. (Drunk is NOT the same as yes.)

6. Being so wasted you can’t get home. (Lost is NOT the same as yes.)

7. Being so wasted you pass out. (Unconscious is NOT the same as yes.)

8. Being passed out. (Seriously, why the fuck do people think it’s okay to fuck unconscious things?)

9. Being asleep. (Zzzzzzzz is NOT the same as yes.)

10. Being single. (Available does not mean yes.)

11. Being out with the girls. (A night out does not mean yes.)

12. Dancing. (Sometimes, girls really do just want to dance. Which is not a yes.)

13. Being a girl.

14. Being a child.

15. Being a virgin.

16. Being a slut. (STILL not a yes.)

17. Having tattoos.

18. Being young.

19. Being old.

20. Being there.

Need I go on?

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1. The friends you gained and lost within high school.

If you were friends in ninth grade, done by tenth grade, enemies by eleventh, and over it and each other by prom, you probably don’t need each other in your third year of university. Granted, some people are good contacts to keep, but if you can’t think of a justifiable reason and you haven’t spoken SINCE high school, you might as well get rid of them before they become little more than a scroll-by “Who…?” on your newsfeed. Deletes and unfollows don’t have to be malicious or mean, or even personal (though they can be. Try and avoid that.).

2. That friend who only brings you down.

Negativity, especially when given access to Twitter and other broadcastable forms of being social, is just no good. You know the ones, they post the dramatic, sad song lyrics, the uncomfortable over-shares, and the really pathetic “omg life cant b wurse right now” updates that nobody takes seriously. Unfollow exists for a reason, just keep your fingers crossed that you don’t have to deal with weird emotional social activity from actual friends: that can get awks.

3. PARODY ACCOUNTS.

STOP IT. LOOK FOR THE GODDAMN CHECKMARK. You KNOW that isn’t Wiz Khalifa. This is 2013, people. Learn how to use Twitter.

4. Everyone you accumulated over the course of high school that you haven’t actually ever spoken to since.

Seriously. The girl who had the locker next to you in ninth grade, the friend-of-a-friend from the volleyball team, that guy you bought off of that one time at that party? Facebook is a social network for friends, not an accumulation of everyone you’ve ever known. Try not to invest yourself in the social lives of strangers and unnecessary acquaintances, it’ll only clog up your digital pores with unnecessary shit you don’t need. It’s like really, actually caring about the lives of celebrities that don’t care about you. You can control who’s on your Facebook; you can’t control who’s on the cover of magazines.

5. Friends exes.

If you weren’t friends with them, then why…? Don’t go there.

6. The friend on her eighteenth chance.

If she KEEPS borrowing money whilst barely making rent and going out every weekend, KEEPS getting too wasted and losing your shoes, KEEPS expecting everything with no expectation of giving anything in return, KEEPS “borrowing” but never returning everything ever, KEEPS accidentally sexting you instead of her fifteen FWBs, and this has KEPT happening since you graduated; it’s time to purge. This also applies to anyone over the legal drinking age that still hasn’t learned their limits, friends that use you as a hotel, and anyone who doesn’t care about their credit. It’s time to grow up, and shed that shit.

7. Anyone you constantly hate-read.

Facebook photos you look at and loathe, tweets you huff past, instagram photos that make you scroll faster, this is not what these networks are for. Find people who you enjoy, who don’t irritate you, and who know how to properly use a social network (“OMG I HAVE THE BEST BF EVA” does NOT cut it in a world where I can conveniently unfriend you without even leaving my newsfeed). Fill your news feed with positivity. There are only so many things you can pay attention to before you need to differentiate what’s actually important and what can be simply removed.

8. Anyone you constantly hate for no reason (slightly different than the people you simply hate-read).

Girls, stop hating on pretty girls. Boys, stop it too, if that’s a thing. But seriously, girls, stop it. This endless cycle of pointless hate is absurd and unproductive. Hating someone because of unjustified jealousy accomplishes nothing, and whether it’s their movie-star good looks since birth, their fabulous apartment, or their job-that-never-seems-to-stop-promoting… hate-jealousy is poison, and you need to detox that shit.

9. Anyone you slept with and never spoke to again.

Unless you’re planning on pursing another round (which, if you haven’t spoken in years – you’re not), get rid of it. Especially if it wasn’t that great of a connection in the first place (which, if you haven’t attempted contact in years – it wasn’t). It’s like keeping leftovers you KNOW you aren’t going to eat. It’s like buying a movie because you heard it was good but it actually wasn’t that good and it definitely wasn’t your thing, and keeping it on the top shelf just wasting space. It’s like favouriting website bookmarks you don’t use, shoes you’ve never worn, that dress that fits okay but you never wear it out cause you don’t really like it THAT much and …okay, I should really stop before I offend someone. 3, 2, 1, CLEANSE!

1. You know most of the words to “Trouble” (and half of her songs, even though you REALLY DON’T LISTEN TO THEM, I SWEAR!).

…and it’s not just because of the video my Facebook can’t get enough of:

Also, try this one on for size:

2. She tried to pull a feminism on Tiny Fey and Amy Poehler, the Queens of the Universe.

You just don’t do that, especially not when the Internet is already at your throat for 29850434 other “reasons.” But this is an actual reason. She rains on the Liz Lemon parade, and under an umbrella of Katie Couric and feminism, quoted Couric quoting someone else, saying “there’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women,” referring to Fey & Poehler’s crack at her during their (hilarious) stint hosting the Golden Globes. The best part is how much Swift didn’t get it, and how much nobody cared. Read the full story on E! here.

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3. She actually had one of the One Direction boys.

Go ahead, hate on the music, hate on the branding, but the boys from One Direction are cute as really, really, really cute buttons. They’re little stylized, idealized Brits that America can’t get enough of, and dating one is just about as life-threatening as falling at a 1D concert. Seriously, no good comes of being the significant other of in-demand man-boys like Harry Styles and Bieber. Except that you can say you went there. She’s recently been alleged to have spent the night at Ed Sheeran’s… which I feel like is just a weirdly related Brit that I don’t want to deal with just yet. But seriously girl, you didn’t get enough death threats and crazy flak from the Directioners? Pick a less high-profile guy, and STOP TALKING ABOUT EVERYTHING.

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Sidenote: Anyone who hates Swifty because she’s a “slut:” oh, get over it. You wouldn’t bang John Mayer, Jake Gyllenhaal, a Jonas brother in 2008, Conor Kennedy or Taylor Lautner? Just because she doesn’t handle it well doesn’t make her a slut.

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But holy shit, their kids would have some seriously incredible hair.

4. You can only watch her win something so many times before it becomes justification for homicide.

She’s been nominated 185 times, and won 150 times. That’s 150 speeches, a whole lot of which were televised. Her Grammys come from “White Horse,” “Mean,” and “Safe and Sound.” Granted, she writes most of her stuff, so the awards are (sometimes) justified, but when they’re fan-voted, it’s pretty much time to go microwave some popcorn or take a pee break. But I could watch her win that 2009 VMA until the end of time. Mostly because I LOVE imagining the explosion in the control room trying to figure out what the fuck to do.

Watch from 1:18. (Rough quality, but the only link that actually shows the whole thing:)

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5. She’s beautiful.

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And in an interesting, cool way that you don’t really understand. And she’s got those Asian-y eyes you can’t decide whether to envy or despise. And she’s blonde and all cheekbones and smile and ah, fuck it.

Taylor Swift

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6. She’s too easy.

To make fun of.

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7. She’s only 23 and she’s way more rich, famous, and fabulous than most of us will ever be, at 22 or any other time in your life.

We shouldn’t hate her for this, but we do. So girls, stop hating on other girls for no reason. The other nine reasons on this list are still okay, though, so you’re good here. Even when she screws up, she comes out on top. She buys a house next to the Kennedy she was dating, they break up, and she makes a literal million dollar profit on the house-flip. Because she needs a million MORE dollars.

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8. The ending of “22.”

An awesome, fun, shallow-but-so-catchy-and-dancey-that-we-can-ignore-the-lack-of-substance-until-the-end-of-the-song song, “22” is the sixth song off of her newest album, and proves that a quality Swift song is hard to find. I have entirely conditional love for this song: skip the first few lines (especially avoiding her pronunciation of “hipsters”), and the last bit, anything involving the line “You look like bad news, I gotta have you,” and the song’s not bad. Okay, it’s still kind of bad, but it’s fun as hell.

9. She LIVES in high school.

Whether she actually attended high school or not (she did two years in school and one year on tour to earn her diploma) is irrelevant. She uses her PR team to avoid touchy subjects with the press, and recently refused to discuss Harry Styles with Vanity Fair, but “authorized someone to discuss” it with them. Oh, T-Swift. She just makes it harder for herself. #sigh

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1. Their taste in music.

I can personally scroll through my iTunes and find as many songs from The Temptations as I can Taylor Swift. The Walkmen are followed by 90s Weezer, 80s Whitesnake, Will Smith and his kids (remember, don’t judge!), and The Wreckers. It starts with A. R. Rahman and ends with 38 Special. If I were to try and judge myself on my taste of music, I would be half a ghettofabulous shallow hipster from the 40s-80s, and half elderly man with a thing for trashy top 40, EDM, anything Motown, and obscure television soundtracks. Judging people on their taste in music is like genuinely basing your treatment of a person on whether they prefer orange or apple juice.

Speaking of, here’s a little playlist of my favourites right now, from opposite sides of the spectrum:

2. The number of people they’ve slept with.

Oh Jesus, get over it already. Seriously. Especially once you’ve left high school, opened your mind, opened your legs, and begun your mandatory life-long course in sexual politics. Accepting that “your number” doesn’t define you – and other people’s numbers don’t define them – means that you have control of your sexuality. You don’t need to be that insecure bitch calling every girl without a serious commitment a slut. Let’s talk about Sluts here.

3. Whether or not they’re a “hipster.”

Some people just need glasses. As a girl who needs glasses, STOP ASKING US IF THEY’RE REAL. And stop wearing glasses if they’re not real. Hipster or not, it’s unnecessary. Some of us have very little vision left, If you’re blessed with perfect vision, enjoy it, and don’t cloud it with fingerprinted lenses you don’t need. Granted, some of us just like bargain hunting. Some of us just have different taste in music. Some people just like Pinterest. Some people just like PBR are still too closed-minded or cheap to expand their taste. Some people work the androgynous boho look, and some people just really like spending 40$ on a tank top from American Apparel. Whatever. Stop hating on every person who enjoys thrift shops and indie music. It’s cheap, alright?

Ultimate hipster timeline here.

4. The alcohol they drink.

Unless you’re in the cheap first-year-of-college drinking mode (which you should not be, unless you are actually IN your first year of college), stop it. You can do better than PBR and shitty bulk wine. Hell hath no fury like a cheap wine hangover, and you’ve outgrown that. But that doesn’t mean you have to roll your eyes at every drink you’re not a fan of.

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5. Whether or not they read the Twilight books (in the past).

Seriously. If you went to high school when the first movie came out, you probably read the damn book. Just live with it and move on – might I recommend Silver Linings Playbook? The book is an easy read, but a substantial one. Don’t like reading? Learn to. You can judge people that keep reading them though, just a bit.

Watch more Bad Lip Reading videos here.

“My best friend is the man who’ll bring me a book I ain’t read.”
-Abraham Lincoln

1. The Zombie Apocalypse is Mentioned in the House of Commons.

READ THE TITLE. All hail Canada.

2. Ryan Gosling Gets Embarrassed By a Dish Towel.

Literally. I (don’t shoot me, girls) actually am not a huge Ryan Gosling fan, or I wasn’t until I saw him in Gangster Squad (bad-ASS!), but this video is possibly the funniest/cutest/sexiest/most ridiculous–oh, just watch it, now you have to.

3. Kennedy Center Honors: Led Zeppelin

FREE CONCERTS ON YOUTUBE WOOO. I love the Internet.

4. Did you know: The creators of South Park went to the 2000 Academy Awards on acid.

If you’ve never seen the Making Of South Park, you’re seriously missing out. It’s on Netflix. And it’s short.

5. More reasons to love Jennifer Lawrence, and Jack Nicholson!

The funnnnnniest interview-bomb of the Oscars this year. Absolutely.

6. 10 Things I Hate About Commandments.

A parody trailer. Religious humor. Under 1.5 mins.

7. Evolution of Mom Dancing: Jimmy Fallon and Michelle Obama.

Cute video, totally worth it to watch because of the end.

1. Every person you ever added on Frosh Week and never ended up contacting again. If you don’t recognize their name on your newsfeed, that’s probably a sign.

2. Every person you ever added after/during/because of a party and never ended up contacting again. If you only know their last name because of Fbook, delete.

3. Your RA. If you never got to know them past that point, you probably don’t need them on the Book.

4. That bitch you never liked. Now you don’t have to.

5. The roommate you never bonded with. Just because you were forced to live together for a few months and shared your first-year-residence woes together doesn’t mean they are of any use to you any longer. Especially if you ended on bad terms. Seriously, just unfriend. Nobody will be offended.

6. That frat guy you always promised to go to a party with. You never went, at least not often. And you don’t go now. And you loathe contact with him, and avoid his messages, so what’s the point?

7. That guy/girl you hooked up with once and never spoke to again apart from sporadic drunk attempted booty calls on Facebook chat. A drunk mistake that doesn’t need to be immortalized on the internet.