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Buying presents for parents is hard. Like, trying-to-decide-what-to-watch-on-Netflix hard. Like, 2048-hard. Like, Ryan-Reynolds’-body hard.

(May or may not have spent too much time picking a shirtless Ryan Reynolds picture.)

(May or may not have spent too much time picking a shirtless Ryan Reynolds picture.)

While buying presents for parents is hard, it’s always worth it when you find the perfect gift. Perfect gifts in general always feel like a lightning-bolt to the head, and you just know. After seeing different “childhood photo recreations” on my perpetually repetitive Facebook newsfeed, I couldn’t stop thinking about how hysterical some of my childhood photos are, and how hard my mother would a) laugh, and b) cry… well, I couldn’t resist. My amazing mother retired from CIBC after 38 years, and even though she said no presents, who ever listens to their mother? (Truth: I do. Just not this weekend). She’s the most supportive, generous, kind person and making her cry-laugh through a dozen photos is the least I can do to make her as happy as she’s made me.

I got back to Windsor on Wednesday morning, and spent the next five days scrambling and lying (pooooooorly) to try and get to the different locations, people, and items in the pictures. I’m pretty proud of the result, and can’t wait to recreate the recreations 20 years from now. Love you mama.

Homemade Dixie cups? Check.

Homemade Dixie cups? Check.

Thankfully, we only moved houses once.

Thankfully, we only moved houses once.

Guess whose shirt is actually a pair of tights?

Guess whose shirt is actually a pair of tights?

19 years later (and Jenn looks the same).

19 years later (and Jenn looks the same).

Just wait for the blooper reel.

Just wait for the blooper reel.

Two bite brownies, chocolate sauce, strawberry jam, and green food coloring. Creativity, man.

Two bite brownies, chocolate sauce, strawberry jam, and green food coloring. Creativity, man.

We even found a boat.

We’re on a boat.

Born to ride.

Born to ride.

Half-inflated water wings because no way are those getting past my wrists otherwise.

Half-inflated water wings because no way are those getting past my wrists otherwise. Other than that though, nothing’s really changed.

The MOST coached photo, for sure. "LEFT ARM! OTHER LEFT!"

The MOST coached photo, for sure. “LEFT ARM! OTHER LEFT!”

Propped on a pillow, balanced under a garment rack serving as the backdrop, laying across a chair and a bowflex machine.

Cheeky baby.

One of my favourite pictures ever.

Personal verdict: flawless.

Twenty years later.

Twenty years later. Again, look forward to the blooper reel.

Finalement.

Finalement.

After a day of first-world torture and #problems, it can be hard to stay a sane, normal person. Here are 20 different ways to handle a bad day. They are most definitely not all recommended. Side effects are likely. We’ll begin with a classic.

1. Drinking! See also: Girls Night Out.

raven margarita

2. Willingly accept rebellion into your life. Take a walk on the wild side.

do not touch

3. Read a book. Or a magazine. Or an article online. For gods sake, read SOMETHING!

jlaw ummmm

4. Angry-break things. Tear shit up. Throw down. Hitting things feels good, and admitting that is the first step of the road to recovery.

angry bang angry table flip

5. Florence.

6. Dance it out.

dance underwear

big booty

BREAK IT DOWN

7. Bitch about it. And not in a classy way. In a way that not even yourself respects. Without justification, without reason, without having to answer to anyone. Sometimes you need a few moments where your words have no one to answer to except the universe.

annoyed like

girls shosh 4

8. Music therapy. Life’s a song, and sometimes it sucks dick.

listen to sad songs

9. Rise above. You are better than this bad day. Flip your hair, strut your stuff, and make tomorrow a real, real good day.

bitch im flawless

hairflip fierce bey

10. Just lose it. (Also: shaking your face like this feels way better than you’d expect it to.)

computer spaz

11. Watch cat videos. Or cat GIFs. Or Anna Kendrick GIFs. Or ideally, Anna Kendrick cat GIFs.

anna kendrick kitty

12. Eat your feelings. ALL of the feelings.

hungry

chocolatemakeseverythingbetter

13. Smile and nod. Smile. And. Nod.

smile and nod

14. JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES, BREATHE, AND THINK OF FIGHT CLUB.

fight club quote

15. Exercise. It’s gooood for you.

fwb on bed

16. Full-screen the GIF below. Maybe make it your background. Laptop, phone, everything. I suggest adding a sound loop, but that’s just me.

complimentchan

17. JGL.

18. Do something about it. If every day is a bad day, something’s off.

greeys

19. Admit the truth and accept it as a part of you.

i am not a successful adult

who cares im awesome

Definitely go with Kat Dennings on this one. On most ones, actually.

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At first you’re like,

girls night

But then you remember,

shots

So you round up the friends that made the cut,

adventure

And you get ready. It takes ages, not because you’re indecisive, but because you have SO many clothes, and they all suck.

nothing to wear

By the time everyone shows up, your outfit frustrations have been downed by the pre-drink, and IT’S GO TIME.

body is ready

moderation

supposed to bring

Upon arrival at the bar,

STAY ALIVE

As an all-girl troupe, you bitches stick together. Work together to fend off unwanted attention,

battling guys

And celebrate with colorful shots. Or tequila.

shots drinking

Class will be demonstrated (as usual),

jason segel

And ultimately, five topics will be discussed.

more wine

1) Work,

Where you can freely rant about The Work Bitch without the elephant/manager in the room. You are your own unreliable narrator, recounting your combative exploits to the world, without anyone really noticing any plot holes or exaggerations on your part. All the girls have to do is agree, pitch in some betchy sidebars, and wait your turn. Unless of course, this is a work girls night, in which case ALL cards are on the table, right next to the double shot glasses . Tread carefully.

drink everytime bitch

 

2) Men,

Girls talk about guys and sex JUST AS MUCH as guys talk about girls and sex. It’s just different.

BLAH BLAH BLAH

3) Bitches, girly shit, and self-acknowledgement.

Girls talk about girly shit. Honestly, there’s a lot of shit to cover. Stereotypically bitching about hair, makeup, periods, men, bitches, skin, shoes, clothes, shaving, and any of the other thirty thousand things that fall under the kind-of-misogynistic-but-relatively-justified topics of girly conversation. Realistically though, if a man had to hook a cage onto his chest every morning, squeeze and squish into the crap we wear on a daily basis (all the OPTIONS), and deal with monthly cramps and bleeding and baby scares, I’M SURE HE WOULD BITCH A BIT TOO BECAUSE IT’S A PRETTY DECENT SIZED ASPECT OF LIFE AS A GIRL SO QUIT JUDGING AND TAKE A DRINK.

raven margarita good

 

Plus, acknowledging your decent into stereotypical GIRLSNIGHT! just makes it that much more beautiful. “Guys, we’re totally like a less-awkward Girls, only with like three Jessas and a Shosh. And like, a little bit classier.” I’d watch that.

4) Sex,

You know that one friend that’s like, really, really open about talking graphically and specifically about her sexcapades? She may get the ball rolling, but at girls night, it’s the surprise shares from your shier friends that make the memories. Those off-hand comments shouted juuuuust a little too loudly across the bar will make you closer than you ever expected. No judging!

vagina depressed

5) Food.

Have you ever listened to drunk girls talk about food?

think of your butteating gifAll it takes is an order of mozzarella sticks to turn a group of martini-ed ladies into a horde of ravenous vultures. Suck it up and order something, you’re drinking most of your calories anyway.

BUT FOODWe’ll be brutally honest,

emotionally slutty

And we are free to bitch and moan about #girlproblems without #brotips.

ribbons are hard

There might be dancing,

BREAK IT DOWN

And friendly banter,

drink it force

And the next morning, as usual…

morning survived

 

More girly guilty pleasures? Click here.

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1. The Productive, Get-Shit-Done-r.

This usually lasts for short, sporadic periods of time in between other 9 people on this list. Enjoy it while it lasts. Bask in it, and remember how good it feels to be productive.

words and ideas can change

2. The Summer Fanatic.

Festival lineups, summer tour announcements, the changing weather, spring can bring a lot of distractions, and the Summer Fanatic lives for this. You thrive upon new announcements, and while most lineups are out, schedules and ticket sales are still in full swing. Social media for the next three months will serve one major purpose, and that is anticipation. You’re following all the festival info pages, checking out contests and basically living in a shell of procrastination until flip-flops become seasonally acceptable once again.

happyelle

3. The Napper.

Just sleep, it’ll actually be spring eventually.

sleep boo
4. The Jumped-The-Gun-On-Shorts Guy.

It’s still too cold for shorts. It is still a one-digit temperature. You still need a jacket. You still need pants. Granted, sometimes you get caught out for the day in an outfit that you planned based on the weather (these days, you have no idea what to expect), which usually never ends well in these transitory seasons. But usually, if it’s still March, and it’s still under ten degrees, IT IS STILL TOO EARLY FOR SHORTS. Honestly, it’s just upsetting. I can’t wear shorts, so why can you? It’s too cold. Stop it.

shit we will not put up with

5. The March Break Complex Guy.

Whether your school gives you a March break, Spring break, reading week, whatever, it’ll probably fall at a different time than others (surrounding colleges and universities, high schools, etc). Yes, it’s going to be annoying, seeing warm, sandy, beach spam all over your Instagram. Yes, it’s really upsetting that everyone on your Facebook is out for a week, spending their parents’ money and taking family-funded vacations while you’re rolling in debt and midterms/finals/assignments, but you do get out before May, and the high school kids, at least, have got two more months to go. Plus, remember how EARLY you used to get up, like, every day? It still blows my mind that high-school-me had that initiative.

writngchalkboards

6. Depressed.

You will never get all this shit done. Why even bother? You hated half your classes this semester anyway, why are you even in school to begin with? The government is overcharging you. Your bank is overcharging you. Corruption runs our country. Fuck school. School is for fools. Edison didn’t go to school, right? And he’s fine. He’s allllll good. I’ll just invent something. Like a lightbulb, or ketchup packets.

newgirltswiftalone

7. The Admittedly Unproductive/Procrastinater Guy.

You know you’re not getting anything reeeeally accomplished today, but it’s cool. You’ll get there. These things take time. And other things. Like Internet, and cleaning. And basically anything.

pooh eat

8. The Cheerleader.

You’re almost there! Remember why you came to school in the first place? Yeah, there you go, positivity! You’re not wasting your money, you know it’s something you gotta do, and you’re almost at a finish line! Granted, one of many finish lines, most of which are paired with a punch to the gut that takes your wallet and your schedule and tears shit up with each, but you’ve got this, girl/bro/man/friend.

wink devil wears prada

9. An actual student that has to actually write exams and words and functions.

Eventually, actual exam time will come.

lord beer me strength

10. Drunk.

Go ahead, use any money you’ve managed to accumulate this semester for a celebratory liquor feast. You did it. You made it one more year. Take advantage of your time off, whether it’s a few days before summer school, a few months before the fall semester, or whether you’re heading in another direction, take a moment and bask in where you’re at.

jlaw no pants

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What’s your number?

1. The Inquisitive Guy.

There’s one on EVERY street corner. I’m starting to develop a repulsion with eye contact. Eye contact means conversation, with these ones. For whatever reason, they do not read my impatient wheel-rolling in place and staring daggers at the crosswalk countdown as a “DO NOT TALK” sign. They do not see the giant set of proper headphones that encase my ears and entrap my wind-tangled hair. They do not sense my aura of rushed impatience and lack of time. They want to talk. About rollerblading and the weather and the traffic and current events and honestly, I am all for being social and engaging but there is a time and place and it is not while I am wearing wheels on my feet.

fuckoffsilverlinings

2. My roommates, and basically anyone I actually know.

I can’t stop particularly well, especially while I’m moving quickly, so when I encounter people I DO actually want to talk to, I usually whiz by before a) I can catch who they are, or b) words can be exchanged in any way. Plus, my music is loud enough to drown out people, but not cars, so I rarely talk on the way. (Have you ever rollerbladed to like, really, really good rollerblading music? It’s powerful shit.)

3. The wide-eyed foreigner that says nothing.

blank stare

can i help you

4. Pick-Up Line Guy

Oh man, it’s not even entertaining anymore. I am on wheels. I am wearing headphones. I usually am going somewhere, and I am often late. I am very sorry that you caught me at this inconvenient time, but opening with “Hey baby, roll on over here,” or “Check out the wheels on those heels” isn’t really improving your chances. Stop being creepy

prepared to fight

5. The expansive wall of friends that feel compelled to walk in a line and take up the majority of the sidewalk.

bloody accident cat in hat

6. The troupe of small children.

They’re almost too cute to be annoying, but if I catch the midday field trip rush, it’s not the easiest of paths to travel. It’s also incredibly distracting, if you live in a mind like mine, where “BABIES!” pretty much erases any other functional thought.

baby eating

7. The really, really cute old lady that commends you on your initiative.

Exceedingly different from The Inquisitive Guy, The Really Cute Old Lady is just too cute to complain about. Although, she does eat up a few seconds of forced conversation through my headphones that I really didn’t want to have to wait for.

littlemermaidhairpff

8. The wasted guy/girl/group.

Okay, there are certain streets I don’t take on Friday and Saturday nights. And when these people find their way onto the main roads, there’s not much I can do. The packs grow as the night goes on, people get really impressed, really easily (apparently a pair of roller blades makes you the centre of the drunk-people universe), and they pretty much stop moving.

jlaw who are you people

9. The guy that moves out of the way, the wrong way.

I am not just being picky. If you’re going to move out of the way of a rollerblader, PLEASE, look where you’re walking, and don’t leave the cobblestoned, cracked side of the pavement for the girl on wheels. I can manage weaving through people alright, but when people unpredictably jump in and/or out of the way, it doesn’t end well. For an accurate depiction of the sidewalks of Queen Street West, please see the GIF below.

dance

10. Everyone.

Rollerblading downtown is really stressful. It’s like Mortal Kombat mixed with Mario Kart, but the bombs are cars and the chance boxes are traffic lights and the coins are potholes and the rainbow road is actually all gravel even though it looks alright at first, and the mushrooms are hobos and the other cars are everywhere and it doesn’t really help that I don’t know how to stop.

clumsy bambi

1. Everyone with headphones in is listening to One Direction. 

That guy with the dreads walking with a limp? Yup. The Jon Hamm lookalike you pass by on the way to work? Yup. The bitter bus driver with a stick up her ass? Yup. Seriously entertaining.

danceking dance1d1danceheadbobdance1d4dancedisneydance1dalone

2. Celebrity Match-Up

From the son of Geddy Lee and Paris Hilton I saw at the grocery store, to the hybrid daughter of Daniel Radcliffe and Julia Roberts that lives on my block, I love calling people out on who they kind-of-sort-of-might look like, especially when you find the really, really accurate ones. It doesn’t have to be offensive, it doesn’t even have to be based on looks or clothes or anything that makes sense, it’s your game. The other day, someone told me I reminded them of a Lena Dunham-Jennifer Lawrence hybrid. I don’t know how well I handled it.

letmehugyoulipthankyouu

thumberletmehug letmehugoyu

3. Animal sounds.

Pretty much just a game of subtle offensive comments, this works best in a loud area where you can be… not heard. Make the sounds of the animals that would represent the passersby. Most accurate wins. Extra points for realizing most animals make a similar eoiuertyoiwuehakjbvausd sound.

4. Narrate conversations you’re not close enough to hear.

Bonus points for narrating a couple’s breakup.

emmastone

5. Wave at babies. 

This may not be a game, but seriously, when the baby waves back and you remember how flusteringly adorable tiny people are, and you turn into a pile of smushy baby talk that pretty much consists of opening your mouth and saying “Hiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!” in varying volumes and levels of obnoxious glee… you’ll just feel better.

babyexcitedcar

It’s like petting someone’s dog on the street corner. It just makes you happier. But definitely go with waving. Don’t touch people’s babies. They don’t like that.

babyspoon  babyasian

babypanda

6. Listen. 

Play I Spy, but with sounds. Just take in the soundscape around you. You know catching bits of conversations out of context is funny, so try hearing more. You might catch something interesting.

breakupashton

Hearing actual breakups is even more fun that making them up.

7. Reverse shit-talk the world.

It’s really easy to sit on the patio and and rip on everyone that walks by, calling them names and making animal sounds. But it’s actually easier, and way more pleasant by the end, to discuss the positives of people. Her shoes, his jacket, the way they walk together. It’s easy to get caught up in your opinion of things, but seeing the diversity of humanity is awesome, and people-watching is where it’s at.

complimentchancomplimentlindscomplimentmarbles

smileguy

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1. The Zombie Apocalypse is Mentioned in the House of Commons.

READ THE TITLE. All hail Canada.

2. Ryan Gosling Gets Embarrassed By a Dish Towel.

Literally. I (don’t shoot me, girls) actually am not a huge Ryan Gosling fan, or I wasn’t until I saw him in Gangster Squad (bad-ASS!), but this video is possibly the funniest/cutest/sexiest/most ridiculous–oh, just watch it, now you have to.

3. Kennedy Center Honors: Led Zeppelin

FREE CONCERTS ON YOUTUBE WOOO. I love the Internet.

4. Did you know: The creators of South Park went to the 2000 Academy Awards on acid.

If you’ve never seen the Making Of South Park, you’re seriously missing out. It’s on Netflix. And it’s short.

5. More reasons to love Jennifer Lawrence, and Jack Nicholson!

The funnnnnniest interview-bomb of the Oscars this year. Absolutely.

6. 10 Things I Hate About Commandments.

A parody trailer. Religious humor. Under 1.5 mins.

7. Evolution of Mom Dancing: Jimmy Fallon and Michelle Obama.

Cute video, totally worth it to watch because of the end.