20 Belated New Years Resolutions You Could Actually Achieve

1. Spend at least a few hours every day away from your cell phone. Even if it’s just to watch a movie, unplug for a while.

2. Just sign up for Netflix already, and get off your roommate’s account. You’ll be able to have it on your phone, your computer, and you won’t be a mooch. It’s the little victories.

3. At least one grocery trip a month, don’t buy anything with unpronounceable, chemical ingredients. Invest in some fruit, and give your body a breath of fresh air.

4. Start making checklists. You’ll forget less, and remember more. Or, you’ll end up like me, with fifty checklists in fourteen different books, and a checklist-ception vortex at the desk at the foot of my bed. Either way, I usually don’t forget my notebook now!

5. Consider removing tactless words from your vocabulary. I’m really working on my swearing, but fuck.

6. Donate! Get into a habit of saying yes to that 2$ donation at Loblaws. That 5$ text-in donation does help, and you know it. Suck it up and help out a bit; pretend it’s tax.

7. Try a food that you didn’t know you’ve never tried. Like a pomegranate, or a fancy cheese you can’t spell. G-o-r-g-o-n-z-o-l-a?

8. Accept that people like Beyonce can do whatever they want, including name a baby Blue Ivy, blow the power at one of the biggest television and sporting events of the year, start a ridiculously unfortunate internet meme, and lip sync at a Presidential inauguration, and somehow she owns it all and you will still want to be her.

9. Stop caring about stuff you don’t need to care about. The Kardashians, the DWTS lineup, the Lohan family problems, the Bachelor. You can care, just don’t like, actually care.

10. Learn how to properly use LinkedIn, and start networking. You’ll thank yourself. And then me. And then the people who invented LinkedIn. But don’t exaggerate here: LinkedIn is a professional network, so if you haven’t accepted your digital footprint as a permanent judge of your character, you better start. Google yourself, and get rid of the reasons _____________ shouldn’t hire you.

11. Try not to be sexist. Even just in little things. Try.

12. Stop endlessly complaining about things you know you don’t know anything about. Sure, you can hate Glee all you want. You can rip on Community or try and tear apart Lost, but if you’ve never watched the damn show, especially if you’ve never even seen it once, stop. Nobody wants to hear rambling nothings based entirely on third-hand information. Give the show a try, there’s a reason people love it. And if it’s not your thing, try not to ruin it for everyone else.

13. Don’t give yourself such a hard time.

14. Accept that your family has Facebook. So do your employers, so clean it up.

15. Choose one of the following quality comedies and get hooked: Community, 30 Rock, Shameless, Louie, Girls, or Parks and Recreation. 

16. Try to keep the number of mornings you wake up hating liquor to a minimum. Take care of your liver, especially if you started early.

17. Stop complaining about the same things and start looking forward to other things. It’s fucking freezing? Yeah, thanks. I’ve been outside in the last three months, I’m aware. Can we stop talking about it, and start making summer plans already? Festival lineups are out. Pick one, make a summer goal. You won’t regret it.

18. Read more sites like this. And books. And newspapers. And write more.

19. Pick an older show on Netflix and enjoy a simpler time. Use it to fall asleep, watch it intently, whichever. Just educate yourself on television past, Netflix has got some gems (Dick Van Dyke and Cheers, to recommend a few options).

20. Edit your goals so they’re achievable. Sure, you’re probably not going to never drink again. But you could make a deal with yourself to never drink straight tequila from a funnel before dinner again.



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