14 Conversations I Wish I Had With My Landlord Before I Moved In

1. Do the people downstairs play shitty music at all hours of the day? At night too? Sick.

2. Do you know where the fuse box is? Oh, you don’t? Okay, well figure it out before it’s 10PM and my power goes out, thanks!

3. How’s the wildlife? Oh, raccoons and mice? AWESOME!

4. So, if my bank account gets hacked and frozen, and the cheque bounces because it’s entirely the bank’s fault, you won’t charge me, right? Okay, sounds good. Oh, wait, you’re charging me anyway? Sweet.

5. Is there anything like, really shitty that I can’t see right now because it’s [insert current season]?

6. Do these carpets ever look… clean? No? And… oh, gross, hair clumps up and collects in the carpet? Nice.

7. When’s garbage day?

8. When’s recycling day?

9. Is there a compost day?

10. If I try and drill into the ceiling, will all the wood in the ceiling be rotted and unusable? So I shouldn’t bring a big hammock four hours on the train? Ah, good to know.

11. So, when you said “gender neutral” colors, you didn’t mean lime green and sunshine yellow?

12. Do you ever answer your phone? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

13. Are all the taps hot-and-cold reversed, or just all the bathrooms? Oh, it changes? Great.

14. So, if I don’t want to live here after this lease is up… how do I go about that?

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